Flirting, kindly done
How to Flirt: In Person and Over Text
Plain advice on showing someone you like them, reading the reply and stopping kindly if it is a no.
Flirting is showing you enjoy someone’s company in a way that is easy for them to return or ignore. Make friendly eye contact, ask a real question, add a little humour, then watch what comes back. Warmth means carry on. Short answers and a turned shoulder mean ease off. A no ends it, kindly.
Know your style
There’s more than one way to flirt
Psychology Today describes flirting as signalling interest in small steps, so both people can gauge the reply.
Jeffrey Hall, a University of Kansas communication researcher, and colleagues set out five flirting styles in a 2010 Communication Quarterly paper, drawing on answers from more than 5,000 adults. It looked at opposite-sex flirting, so treat the styles as a guide, not a rulebook. Most people blend two or three.
- Sincere
- Asks questions, listens, enjoys getting to know someone. The most common style in the research.
- Playful
- Enjoys the game of flirting for its own sake. Teasing can tip into dismissive.
- Physical
- Shows interest through body language and touch. Hall says these flirts are likelier to assume interest that isn’t there.
- Polite
- Respectful, hands-off and slow to make the message clear. People aged 40 and over were most likely to prefer it.
- Traditional
- Follows old-fashioned ideas about who makes the first move.
Flirting is easy to miss. In a study of 52 pairs of strangers in Communication Research, Hall and colleagues found people were better at noticing that no flirting had happened than at spotting flirting that had. So be a touch clearer than feels natural, and ask when unsure.
In person
Five moves for a real conversation
Consent runs through all of it: each move works only while the other person is enjoying it.
Smile and let the look last
Catch their eye, smile and hold the look a beat longer than usual, then glance away. Psychology Today’s flirting guide lists lingering eye contact among the signs of interest. A fixed stare is not on the list.
Ask something with a story in it
Try “What’s the best thing you’ve eaten this month?” instead of “So, what do you do?” Then ask a follow-up. A 2017 study by Karen Huang and colleagues found that speed daters who asked more follow-up questions were likelier to get a second date.
Keep the humour kind
Tease the situation, not the person. In a 2013 Evolutionary Psychology study, 1,190 people rated how desirable they found described people with different styles of humour; friendly, good-spirited humour beat the aggressive or self-defeating kind.
Notice what comes back
Matched energy and questions about you are good news. Touch comes last: a hand on an arm is a question, so accept the answer.
Make the next step small
Suggest a coffee, a drink or a short walk. Nobody ever needed a tasting menu to find out whether there was a spark.
Reading the reply
How to tell if they’re flirting back
Look for a pattern, not one signal. The same guide suggests asking whether they are consistent over time and whether they act differently with you than with others.
- Asks you questions backCurious. Ask more.
- Leans in and laughsEnjoying it.
- Warm but carefulMaybe a polite flirt.
- Same with everyoneMaybe just friendly.
- Short answers, looks awayEase off.
Still unsure? Ask. “I’m enjoying this. Want to carry on over a drink?” is a clear question with an easy answer either way.
Messages and apps
Flirting by text and on apps
The guide also says a flirty text exchange should be warm, funny and a little thrilling. In practice: short messages, one question at a time. Borrow and bend these lines.
The opener
“That photo by the water looks like a good day. What was the occasion?” Specific, easy to answer, and it shows you looked.
The tease
“I had a clever opener ready, then I saw your second photo and lost it. What’s the story there?” Cheeky, warm, still a question.
The invitation
“I’d rather hear the rest of this over a drink. Thursday evening, somewhere with decent chairs?” A time, a place and an easy no.
Do
- Reply at roughly the pace they do.
- Keep it on the site until you both want to meet.
Skip
- A bare “hey” or a remark about their body as an opener.
- Three messages in a row to one that went unanswered.
A 2015 review of 86 studies in BMJ Evidence-Based Medicine found that online chat was more likely to lead to a meeting when it moved to a date early. Forget Dinner profiles have a field for what each member is looking for, which takes some guesswork out of whether a hello is welcome. Chat with singles, see who is near you or look through the features.
Consent first
When the answer is no
RAINN, a US sexual violence charity, lists assuming consent from clothing, flirting or past encounters among the signs that consent is missing. A smile is not a contract.
If you’re unsure, ask. If it’s a no, stop.
Say “No worries, nice talking to you” once and mean it. A Psychology Today columnist puts the principle neatly: you are entitled to ask respectfully, but not to a yes. Don’t ask why, and don’t try again next week.
Know where the line is. In England and Wales, repeated behaviour that alarms or distresses someone can be harassment under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997, and sending an unwanted explicit photo can be cyberflashing, an offence introduced by the Online Safety Act 2023 and in force since 31 January 2024. Pew Research Center found that 30% of US dating site and app users had been contacted repeatedly after saying they were not interested.
If someone makes you uncomfortable, you owe them no reply. Forget Dinner lets you block anyone instantly and report them from inside the site, and the safety page explains the rest. If someone won’t stop, the National Stalking Helpline, run by the Suzy Lamplugh Trust, advises on 0808 802 0300.
Flirting questions, answered
How do you flirt without being awkward?
Be curious rather than clever. Smile, ask a real question, listen and ask a follow-up. Researchers writing in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who ask more follow-up questions are better liked. Awkward moments pass faster if you laugh at them together.
How do you know if someone is flirting with you?
Look for a pattern: smiling, leaning in, lingering eye contact, questions about you, and warmth that differs from how they treat everyone else. Flirting is easy to miss, so if you can’t tell, ask lightly whether they’d like to carry on over a drink.
How do you flirt over text?
Keep each message short, specific and easy to answer. Pick up something they said, add humour, ask one question and let them set the pace. If replies shorten, ease off, and once the chat flows, suggest meeting.
How do you flirt when you’re shy?
Start smaller than you think: a smile, a comment about where you both are, one question. Sincere flirting, mostly asking and listening, was the most common style in Jeffrey Hall’s research and needs no grand gestures.
What if they say they’re not interested?
Say “no problem” and mean it. Don’t ask them to reconsider or write again later, because repeated contact after a clear no can amount to harassment in England and Wales. A Psychology Today columnist notes that most reasons for a no are not personal.
Try one line and see what comes back
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